If there is anything that I have learned in the last year and a half, it is to be open to change and to know the necessity of acceptance. Three times now I have had posts a-brewing when something completely unexpected happens and I end up writing about something else. This post will be dedicated to the things that I had intentions to write about, but didn't for whatever reason. Also, a small pity party for the loss of my hard drive.
Oh, yes, my hard drive. Last night, while I was on the phone with a dear yogi friend, my beloved Mac Book started chirping at me. Yeah, chirping. Dear Yogi Friend insisted that I skedaddle off the phone and get that looked at ASAP but as she was saying that, the screen went gray and it sounded like the thing was going to take off and start flying around the room. I just KNEW this wasn't going to be good so off P and I went to the Apple store for a date with the 'geniuses' (I am very suspicious of that title...). The moment I told said 'genius' what happened, he asked "Do you have your files back-up?"- doesn't take a genius to figure out what THAT question means. Long story short, minimal backup exists and I now have a new hard drive and case on the way.
You ever wonder why we back up our computers but not other parts of our lives? I got to thinking about that this morning when I realized that two of the things I lost when my hard drive imploded what my pictures of my cat when we brought her home from the shelter, and the pictures of P and I the day after I was diagnosed, Christmas Day 2008. It occurred to me that I am more emotional about that loss than the loss of all of my recipes and other various documents. Most of what was on that hard drive was from college. Not such a huge loss, right? Granted, now my resume, all of my observations from my supervisors in student teaching and the guest list from our wedding are gone HOWEVER, did I need 'em? Debatable. Mostly, I miss those pictures and what they represent. They were some of my only photos that I never uploaded to facebook. Don't know what else to say about that other than, bummer.
Alright, so, I said there were things that I meant to write about and didn't....so here they are in no particular order.
1) Some of you may know this, many may not, but I have a thing for Ganesha (Ganapati). He can be found hiding all over my apartment and also at work, sitting on my desk. He removes obstacles, gives me courage in starting new endeavours and is representative of staying playful (oh, and he's known as a patron of the arts and sciences, supa cool). Every time I om, I think of him (check out the iconography of the symbol of 'om' or 'aum' and it's relation to the image of elephants). There is a lot of very beautiful imagery out there of Ganesh, one of the most significant that I have in my life was a tiny black and white stamp of him glued into a card from my Acroyoga kula, given to me a few weeks after I was first diagnosed. The person who included Ganesh in her note in that card is an inspiration and that card has a place of honor in my home. So, a few weeks ago when I went to hear Krishna Das and we chanted the 108 Om Gam Ganapataye Namaha mantra (mantra dedicated to Ganesh, 108 being an auspicious number- 108 sun salutations, 108 beads on the mala or prayer beads, etc) it became a very significant experience. Imagine a concert hall filled to the gills with yogis and their friends, chanting a mantra together which holds deep meaning for you. Pretty awesome (and I mean awesome in it's true meaning, awe). I closed my eyes, took in the presence of my friends sitting next to me, sharing in this experience and dropped into the mantra. Somewhere in the middle of those 108 repetitions, I got a very clear image of myself, sitting in a hospital room smiling. I'm going to leave that....well, at that. I could write pages and pages on that, but I won't. What I will say is that, though I grew up Catholic, was married in a Catholic church (am not currently practicing however), I still think that one can find spirituality in places that don't necessarily fit into "your religion" or "your culture".
2)(this is the good news I mentioned previously)This I will keep short and vague- vague for hopefully obvious reasons. Two weeks ago I met with administration at work about my options for next year. Long story vague (I've used that too many times in this post), I was FLOORED, and I mean tearfully FLOORED at the generosity and support from the district that I work in. I am going to hesitate to share too much here until all of the correct paperwork is in order, however I will say that P and I will not have as much financial pressure as we anticipated next year AND I certainly have a light at the end of the tunnel. Looking forward to sharing the full story here later on.
3)Last week I was pulled off of Tasigna again after my platelets dropped below the 'safe' line of 50 (it's somewhere in the low 40s, maybe lower). This basically means I'm all bruised again and shouldn't really be doing anything fun without exercising extreme caution, which in itself is not fun. This also means that I don't wake up with a headache every morning, so yay for that. I have another blood test scheduled for early next week to check in. In other related news, I'm running out of 'good veins'- the nurse actually sighed when she came at me with the needle and then asked if I was going to get a port. Oh, and then she asked if I started looking at wigs yet. So, thanks anonymous nurse for that.
4) The official donor search has begun. Somewhere out there a person is walking around with some spongy material in their bones that will save my life. To my donor, thank you. Those words are far too simple for the magnitude of what you will do for me. So, I will leave it at thank you. I wish you all the blessings in the world, you deserve them.
To wrap up here, thank you for reading and for supporting P and I. I only hope that we can repay you all someday. Gives me a long-term goal, no? :)